feelings of loss

Today is going to be a lot different that what I usually post, so much so that I’ve gone back and forth about whether I should write about my recent life experiences. As I’m writing this, I’m shaking because I’m so nervous and it’s bringing all these experiences back, making it even harder to share. But my gut is telling me to share, so I will. It’s a very personal experience which is why I was so hesitant to write this in the first place, but so many women go through this in their lives, I felt like my story needed to be shared.

On a normal Sunday night at the end of June I was feeling a little different. A good different. I couldn’t quite pin-point the feeling exactly, but I did recognize it. After thinking about when I’d felt this way before, I realized when I had felt this way. It was about 3 years ago, when I found out I was going to be a mom. I decided to take a pregnancy test, and it was positive.

 

I brought the test out to show my husband, and he smiled. I cried. We were so happy to welcome another little baby into our lives. We both love being parents, and we want a lot of kids, so this was just the best news we could’ve received! We instantly started thinking of names and imagining our little one. We both thought it was going to be another little boy. We knew it was going to be another little boy. Since I had a very uncomplicated pregnancy for our first child, we were planning on telling everyone a lot sooner. I was already planning in my head gender reveal ideas and ways to share our exciting news with our family and friends.

A week past. I had to keep my secret from all my friends and family, which is very difficult for me. I’m the kind of person that loves to just talk about everything going on in her life and share all the good news that I could possibly have. I had to really restrain myself from blurting out my happy news! I made it through my work week and it was time to spend an exciting week off with my family celebrating the 4th. We had so many plans of swimming, cooking, watching movies, and just being happy. The week didn’t start off as planned though. My son ended up getting sick which kept us away from some activities. But even though my son was sick, we were all still happy, and we were having a really great time telling our one year old that there was going to be a baby coming. I also bought some new maternity clothes and a “only child expiring” t shirt for Everett.  Life was great.

Sunday morning, at 3 am, my husband woke up sick. He had flu-like symptoms. My son had a fever. My whole house was getting sick, but I could handle it. We would still have fun together as a family. As Kyle went back to sleep, I went to the bathroom before I would lay down to sleep again. And then my body went into shock.

I was covered in spots of blood.

All I remember about that night is me totally losing it. How could I be bleeding? I’m pregnant! How am I supposed to take care of this when I have a sick husband and baby to take care of? Do I need to go to the ER? What is happening to me?!

My husband had to calm me down. He had to literally stop me from pacing the floor as I hyperventilated and cried so I could rest. I needed rest. There wasn’t anything an ER visit would do for me right now. I had to wait until my OB opened on Monday to help me. I had never felt so alone in my life. So unsure of what was happening. I called my mom frantic. She didn’t pick up. Kyle had no idea how to help me. I had to try not to wake up Everett. My head was spinning. I was out of control.

Sunday was a terrible day. We were all so sick and no one could help each other. I would break out in crying fits because I was so stressed. We all tried to remain calm, but it was hard. It was just a nightmare. Monday came and I called frantically to the OB office to let me come in. That afternoon as I sat in the waiting room in the office was something that I had never experienced before. Going into that doctor had always been a positive, happy experience. This time though, I was anxious. I was panting. I was trying to look normal as I sat in that waiting room on the verge on tears. I needed to know what was going on. I needed to know the baby was ok. I still had hope the baby was ok. Once I finally was called back to see my doctor, I had an ultrasound, and to my complete horror, there was nothing. No tiny baby that I imagined kissing and hugging in my sleep. I had lost the baby. I had had a miscarriage.

Since then, I’ve had to heal mentally and physically…mentally being the hardest of the two. As women, it’s very easy to beat ourselves up, and that’s what I have struggled with. Even though my doctors and nurses have told me that I didn’t do anything wrong, I couldn’t help but feeling like I did. Did I eat something I shouldn’t have? Was I under too much stress for a pregnant person? Is my body too unhealthy right now to carry a baby? As the days have gone on, I’ve been able to come to grips with my terrible loss, and I’ve been healing. Out of this experience, I’ve been able to gain extraordinary love for my son Everett, and I’ve become so much more thankful that I have him. He is truly a wonderful gift, and I cherish him so much more now. I also have so much love for my husband. It was probably just as hard for him to go through this as me, but he’s been my rock. I wouldn’t have made it through this without him.

The reason that I have decided to write this very personal story is because I wanted any woman out there that has gone through a miscarriage or any kind of infertility to know that I am here for you. I feel like these kinds of things shouldn’t be bottled up for us to suffer in silence with. We need to reach out and help love each other through these hard times. I can’t even tell you how much it’s meant for me to have family members who already know about my miscarriage to comfort me and give me words of wisdom. If you have any struggles at all, know that I am here to talk to you.  Miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through, especially alone. If you need a helping hand, someone to talk to, or if you’re local, someone to simply give you a hug, I want to be there for you. This is one of those things as women that it’s important to create a support group to help all of us heal. I want to be there for you, and I hope you will be there for me.

I know someday I will be pregnant again. I also know someday I’m going to have a full house of healthy, happy kids. That someday isn’t today though. But it will be in the future. I also know that this pain of loss won’t ever truly go away, but I know that through God I will be able to feel relief. I know someday I’ll see that little boy, and he will be mine forever. Someday I’ll have more children to call mine, and them to call me Mom.